I would not like to give thanks today to the following:
- The dog who keeps shitting on the sidewalk in front of my flat. Yeah, I love dogs but since I haven’t seen you yet I’ll pretend you’re a really fat, one-eyed, ugly mutt with no regard for people’s shoes whatsoever. I’m tired of playing kick the shit. You leave behind your little gifts one more time and I’m going to set out a dog trap damnit and turn you into dog soup. I’ve been needing to get in touch with my Korean culinary heritage.
- The little decrepit man behind the counter at the used bookstore. When I come up to the register and buy three books you’re not supposed to say, “This is a great one.” You’re only fueling my bad habit of book buying and you know it. When I slide my credit card across the counter you should throw it back in my face. You want my autograph because you can sense that I'm going to be famous one day but there are less sly ways to get it from me. You’re supposed to tell me to save my money and go check them out at the library. You’re supposed to tell me these are really crappy old versions and not worth what I’m paying for them at all. In fact, you should give them to me for free since I just spent forty minutes browsing every single title and ended up choosing “a great one.”
- The dust bunnies that invade my apartment. Where the hell do you little fuckers come from? I see you breezing on by as I’m walking down the hall, looking all innocent and fuzzy. I see you sneaking into sneakers and I even see you when you’re all tucked away into tight corners ready for nighty night. You better watch out, one day I’m going to Swiffer your asses and then you bunnies will be sorry you ever floated your way into my realm.
- After Thanksgiving day shoppers. Two years ago when I got up at the ass crack of dawn post-Thanksgiving, you guys still beat me to Best Buy. I thought I was going to get a computer for $599 but they gave away all the tickets by then. The store opened at six and I got there at six but there were already six hundred of you in line. You early morning morons need to get into a catastrophic car accident on the way over, that’s what you all need to do. One big collision involving anyone driving on the highway before five am. It’s only fair.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
5 comments:
i thought i was the only one who saw the dust bunnies lurking...
Anonymous commenters, reveal yourselves! Luckily for you I haven't figured out how to disable anonymous comments...yet.
it's your roomie lissette here
Hey I get a kick out of checking out your page. You so need your own column in newspaper or something, Anyhow wanted you to know I have been enjoying your site.
One of the entertaining Thanksgiving events for me was watching a TV news special on after-Thanksgiving shopping. There was this scene of a wild, mad crowd and they kept reshowing this clip where these two people wrestle over some bargain item. It all sounded very ominous under the heading of "Black Friday".
By the way, I liked the post that you erased about the dry cereal eater at the cafe...
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