“We Dined, We Dashed. Biatch!!”

The following is a true story. Names have been changed to protect the assumed innocent and the downright guilty participants. Dialogue has been added to make the story more colorful.

On the evening of Saturday, December 3rd, at approximately 11:00 pm I received a text message from Niman: “We Dined, We Dashed. Biatch!!” After consulting with my roommate we decided that he and his crew had simply went out for dinner and then went home because neither of us had ever heard of that phrase before. I text him back: “We Booze, We Snooze. MoFo!!” The booze part was made up to make it sound like we had an interesting night. I figured that it rhymed with snooze so I could use it accordingly, yet misleadingly. Over the course of the next few days the events of that fateful evening and the meaning behind the text message were revealed to me:

Kobe meets up with Niman and Angus at their apartment where they have a round of beers, and then another round. Angus looks at the empty bottles of his friends and says, “You pussies drink like girlz.” He pops the top off of another beer and then another beer and dares them to be as manly as himself. Ravished from all the energy spent opening bottles, the guys decide it’s time to get some grub. They head on over to their favorite burger joint, Street. Street is a nice, pricey place but they always opt for the burgers, the cheapest item on the menu at $11 apiece, not including fries, but they always order fries anyways.

They put their names on the waiting list and head to the bar where they open a tab and order another round of drinks. They fill themselves with as much alcohol as they possibly can within a thirty minute time period and Angus pays with his credit card and closes the tab. “I’ve got no dough, yo,” he says.

The hostess escorts them to their table and Niman is immediately captivated by their waitress, a 40-year-old-former-beauty-queen-turned-hag. “She’s a cougar, no doubt. You know dem cougarz prey on fine young fellaz like me,” he says. “I’d like to hit that shit.”

The guys eat their bacon cheeseburgers and greasy fries and wash it down with more beer. Kobe says, "Beef. It's what's fo dinnah." They notice that there are no waiters to be seen and Angus proposes that they do a dine and dash. The three young men think about it for awhile. Even in their drunken stupor they realize they have a credit card receipt on file at the bar and could easily be caught or fined. They also realize that the patrons at the tables they are crammed next to must know they are about to do a dirty deed.

Although Angus proposed the action, he is not ready to act upon it…until, that is, Niman casually gets up and walks out the door. Angus then follows Niman, who is then followed by Kobe, but Kobe has a problem. His jacket is stuck on his chair and he curses under his breath, “My jacket’s da bomb but this mofo needs to re-lent.” After an anxious-filled minute the jacket does, in fact, re-lent and all three of them are outside.

The perpetrators run down the street and hail a taxi. They demand that the driver put the pedal to the metal or else they will bitch slap him. The driver conforms to their demand and not only puts the pedal to the metal but also his middle finger in the air to linger.

The next day Angus checks his credit card statement and sees that Street charged the price of their food and drinks, plus a 32% tip on his card.

Asked if they would ever return to their favorite burger joint, Angus says, “Fo shizzle,” Niman says, “We ain’t no broke asses who’d eat shit burgers,” and Kobe says, “Niman’ll get dat cougar wo-man, we be back, we be pimps.”

(These guys are actually very innocent creatures who I’ve turned into playaz. For example, Angus and Niman would never say “pussy” or “hit that shit,” but wouldn’t it be funny if they did? In fact, none of them have any sort of accent or use of slang words in their vocal library whatsoever, except for Kobe, who’s often heard saying, “Homie don’t play me like dat.” )