How to get the most out of an all-you-can-eat buffet

The all-you-can-eat buffet is an American institution that has gratified gluttonous truck drivers, penny pinchers and over-eaters since its inception. The issue of quality vs. quantity is simply not an issue as the latter has far more clout than the former. Many eaters believe they are getting the most out of their meal but I am here to tell you that sadly, that’s just not the case, unless you are following all of the guidelines below:

Sit as close to the buffet as possible - Proximity is of extreme importance. If the drumsticks are within arms length, you are saving precious seconds that could be spent eating by not having to push your chair back, walking to the buffet and potentially maneuvering around other patrons. Every professional all-you-can-eater knows this is a key step to a successful scarfing experience.

Breathe - In, out, in, out. This always helps. As unimportant as it may seem at the moment, maintaining air flow allows the body to properly respond to the massive amount of food intake. Inhaling sweet potato curry does not count. Your next inhalation needs to be air only.

Unbutton your pants - You already have a belly button and you sure as hell don’t want a second one so undo that pesky button and free your flab. Or better yet, wear stretchy elastic pants.

Bring plastic Ziploc bags - Just think of how good the mu shu pork will be in five hours. The Ziploc Zipper bags are the most spill-proof and have time and again proven to be the best at keeping the scent of rotten food that is shamefully left in cars contained. An added bonus is the attractiveness of the purple Zipper.

Don’t let time limit you - I was at an all-you-can-eat in Amsterdam’s red-light district recently where it was all-you-can-eat Chinese within an hour. That’s simply NOT enough time. You must arrive 15 minutes prior to the opening of the buffet to ensure your proximal seat and you must stay until the end or you will have to relinquish the title of professional all-you-can-eater.

Don’t leave a tip - It’s like an automatic 15% discount. Your waiter may have been charming and helpful but it is a buffet after all. Fetching water is not a service, it’s a distraction.

Drink water only at the end of the meal - Add a digestive aid to get the most out of your liquid intake. Alka-Seltzer was so last decade. Smooth Move is an herbal remedy for stomach maladies, a laxative that comes in the form of a tea bag, available at your nearest Walgreen’s.